Humerus Report on The Radius of a Transplant – Christmas 2000

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Humerus Report on The Radius of a Transplant

Having only recently moved to Athenry, I must admit that finding myself having to portray it seems ever so slightly daunting. Where does one begin when one is just beginning? And so, with knowledge of all its aspects lacking certainty I am drawn to the word beginning, and drift back over the past few months to examine how this new location presented itself.

Donning the white coat and gloves, I fear shall still leave me a little exposed. And perhaps during this procedure I may detect one or two anomalies. Though which may prove to benign, may cause a malignant rise in the blood pressure of my fellows, however more of my consultants.

But I shall of course be most welcoming of their second opinions after I’ve made may final prognosis. Because after all, where would we be without 2nd. opinions?

So, with scalpel at the ready I begin with the biopsy, leaving the biographies to the experts. My first incision began to reveal that many years of living in a small and often sleepy village which despite its snugness, had left the long-term side effect of a comfortable anonymity. A fact which I ’d never been more acutely aware of until I stepped into the unknown of my new and bustling environment.

Stepping into a large residential area the initial lack of anonymity introduced itself with great enormity. So much in fact one could quickly develop the temporary symptoms of a somewhat fishbowl syndrome. But one soon discovers that with a few inoculations of time and patience, one develops a certain adaptiveness without having to adopt the traits of a chameleon. So, suturing up this improving area wound, I made a note of referral for routine assessment just to be on the safe side.

Then moving on down the chart I noticed that Athenry was battling with the Board of Management for its priority on the bypass list.t A intrigued, I decided to investigate the urgency of its demand. Well, the external heart presented with a strong rhythm of trade, community development and awareness. However, it did palpitate a little erratically when stimulated by its increasing population and numerous education facilities. This led to the conclusion that a more internal examination was required.

Looking into Athenry’s heart I was quite transfixed by its maze-like structure and unique foundation cells which lay stretched throughout in a very well preserved and inviting state. But it seems however that surgery will have to be on the agenda. It’s on-going treatment for angina is insufficient in relieving the exhaustion of its small but genetically well-defined valves and may in fact be seriously increasing its impending risk towards a major coronary. This operation will of course require a team of highly qualified specialists to perform the surgery as no risks can be taken to leave any scaring on the delicately woven tissues of Athenry’s anatomy.

Well after I had finished with this procedure, I did of course observe the rule of hygiene, like all surgeons and went to scrub up. While washing away the harmful bacterial elements found that same residue had accumulated while wading through Athenry’s environment. Checking it out under the microscope, this strain of environmental infection showed to be mostly seasonal. Prevention, of course, is the best cure as this is not an element of the past that should be preserved in any form. But the age old remedy of many hands making light work would do just as well as any prescribed antibody.

Moving on to the consulting room and my next patients, the streets of Athenry. And what hyperactive little guys they are. There just all over the place and sometimes there’s no catching up with them. I caused them no remorse as they initially inflicted much orientations upon me. But their many routes have become a refreshing change and full of surprising and intriguing corners. These of course are also quite useful if you need to avoid the unavoidable. However, as they are a remnant of the past, and not getting any younger, perhaps they should think about slowing down a little. Lessening their intake of carbon monoxide and cutting out the heavy diesel engines form their daily diet would greatly reduce their stress levels and relieve congested arteries. I suggested to them that maybe now they should be looking ahead to the future and consider a semi-retirement programme of pedestrianisation. Whether that suggestion remains a fantasy or becomes a healthy tonic for all of us remains to be seen. Well whatever treatment they choose I do hope they remember to follow the complete course otherwise they may be back for another prescription.

Now the actual Fields of Athenry were next on my list, but it seems they left the building. In a slightly eccentric fashion actually, ranting about rumours of strange surgical practices involving dissecting of meadows and cosmetic procedures. Could their agitation be derived from viewing too many environmental documentaries, I wondered. I did try to offer them the services of a counsellor, but they just kept going muttering flusterations into the distance about the curious tramplings of happy tourists. Well, they got me with that one.

Even I have not yet discovered where these fields hang out. Except that they are mythically rooted somewhere here in the midst of this most preserved medieval remains in all of Britain and Ireland. One would imagine that this fact would instil a huge sense of pride in them and that they would by quite happy to be bombarded with tourists. But I suppose living the life of a celebrity, it never easy to reach a happy medium unlike our tourists however, who present as mostly very happy trekkers, often coming here to gaze into the clear depths of Athenry’s rich past, admiring the rippling reflections of their genetic makeup.

Some come for the duration of an annual migration which is I might add quite a harmless addiction. Of course, there are also those who simply stumble wide-eyed upon this place of unique antiquity, staring unblinking into its doubly visual alignment of past and present.

However, there are the tourists who find they cannot contain their excitement of their new discovery and passionately revel in the perplexed autumn of its anatomy. With enormous appetite they consume all the flavours of its past, and in its fine eateries, consume all the tastes of its present. This of course can leave them slightly dehydrated. But with Athenry’s many watering wells, (which can be well recommended for medicinal purposes of course) their thirsts can be more than duly quenched. But if they find that they have slightly overdosed with this particular medication, they need not unduly worry. There are many emergency locations that welcomely receive their exhausted if sometimes stumbling appearance, where they are provided with the necessary comforts to slumber and peacefully cleanse their intoxications.

But no matter why they come here, we love to see them and to take care of them. So much in fact that special treatment centres have been set up here to cater for all their queries and ailments. Shortly after moving here, I decided to move into this specialised field and took up a position at one of these facilities where, as an intern you are of course presented with mountainous research, practical procedures, and varying amounts of field work.

A degree in psychology is a necessity, and your bedside manner must meet with and extremely high standard as is required at all times. Of course, you must also be a great listener, as many of these tourists just love to talk (even if they can’t speak the language). Some bombard us with quandaries of great uncertainty and erratic flows of what ifs and whys. These we find, sometimes have to be medicated with a modem reflection of the eternal soothing words of Mr. William Shakespeare “The which of you with patient ears attend; What her shall miss, Our toil shall strive to mend”. Then we patiently direct them back in time through the hallways of the past, until they are ready to step back into the present. (a proven fact that alternative medicine can work quite well indeed). But of course, there are days when you just can’t help everyone. Occasionally some tourists make it to the doors of these treatment centres, only to find themselves walking away again. These are of course, in denial, refusing any assistance no matter how you reach out to them. But you learn to accept that it is just a small fact of this most interesting and tireless job.

Tourists of course are very beneficial to Athenry. Keeping the adrenalin pumping through the veins of the town, unblocking its arteries from financial congestion, and a great stress relief for recession depression. Staving the risks of anaemia with their much welcome financial platelets and corpuscles they are in fact the wonderful potential donors that can keep Athenry’s ancient heart ticking into the next millennium and beyond.

Well taking a glance at my last appointment, I saw that I was scheduled to examine Athenry’s population. But though the waiting room was indeed quite bursting at the seams, I noticed however that most were queuing for the services of my contemporaries. Well, that’s the way it is when you’re the new doc in town. They either rush to your services or gingerly trickle in screening the possible inadequacies of your professional abilities. So, all things considered I thought it best to leave this analysis for a later date.

But I left the surgery on a positive note, that the overall prognosis for Athenry is looking very good. Since blowing into town on a summers breeze, in has indeed surprised me with its excitedly new and balanced diet. And now as Winter winds sweep through old Baile Átha ‘n Rí, they whisper to adopt it saying. “níl aon tintean mar do thinteán féin”. And what better place to call home this Christmas than here in the heart of Athenry. Nollaig shona díbh agus sláinte mhaith!

Editor’s note: Check our Athenry Walled Town Day

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About this record

Written by Máire Ní Ghormáin

Published here 12 May 2023 and originally published Christmas 2000

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